What really drives parents crazy (and why I lost it today)

I’m passive-aggressive about cleaning, even in my car. I’m all casual and “go with the flow” until something drives me over the edge. Today, I was driven over the edge. I took the girls outside to play, and decided I’d do something productive. So, I attempted to “throw a little trash away” from my car. Well, once I opened the door, I realized it was worse than I thought. WAY worse. Toys everywhere, clothes everywhere, food everywhere. So much food, in fact, that our kittens kept repeatedly jumping into the car to grab a snack. “Oh Lord,” I muttered. No, really, I needed the Lord’s help for this one.

Trash was thrown away. Large crumbs were tossed into the yard for the chickens while the kittens continued to munch on small morsels. Why let anything go to waste? Then, it was time to tackle clothes and other random objects. In the house they went. Meanwhile, I decided to let the dog out to join in the fun. Our black lab, Morgan, (the best dog ever) wiggled and wagged and delighted at “kissing” the girls. So far, so good. Then, I moved to the back of the car. I opened the hatchback, and sighed. More crap. So much crap. Once I had it down to just the stroller, I got another wild hair. “Hmm,” I pondered, “How long has it been since I’ve actually cleaned this stroller?” Um…never. In fact, it still had lollipop stains on it from this.

Fortunately, we have a Chicco stroller that supposedly has an “easy to remove” cover. Wrong. I unsnapped the snaps. Easy enough. I wiggled the fabric off the frame. Next, it was on to the straps. They have to be unhooked from the body in order to remove the cover. While I’m wiggling and trying not to cuss (I wanted to REALLY badly), my toddler kept having meltdowns. Why? Because she would hold her sippy cup up to the kitten’s mouth, and then freak out if it licked it. Sigh.

Back to the straps. I’m not kidding, people. This was a MAJOR pain in the butt. Speaking of butt, our dog kept sniffing mine the entire time. Bent over, sweat dripping down my brow. Frustration at max capacity, and our stupid dog can’t keep her nose away from my tush! (She’s not stupid, but I was angry at the moment.)

Finally, I’d had it. The swatting wasn’t working. I turned around and snapped, “STOP SNIFFING MY BUTT!”

Well, that sent my preschooler into hysterics. (After she reminded me that we say ‘bottom,’ not butt.) “Mom, why is she sniffing your butt?” Did I really want to explain? Well, it’s how dogs say hello.” “Can I sniff your butt?,” she asked. “NO!!!” “But what if I was a dog, then could I sniff your butt?” “Sure, why not?” Wait. What was a saying? “No, you’re not allowed to sniff anyone’s butt, even if you were a dog.”

Back to those blasted straps. FINALLY I managed to get them all loose…except for two. TWO! Broken nails, whispered prayers and good old-fashioned elbow grease didn’t do the trick.

“Uh-oh mommy, I pottied.” I looked up to see my preschooler standing in the back of the car…peeing. “AHHHH! STOP!!” She’s been doing SO good at potty training lately, and hasn’t had an accident in forever, so I really had to restrain myself. “Okay….(counting to 10 in my head)…I’ll go get a towel.” After I’d cleaned up that mess, and told her she couldn’t disrobe while the neighbor was driving by, I went back to those GOSH DARN straps. Nope. It wasn’t happening.

“I give up. Mommy gives up,” I said, completely exhausted. “We don’t say ‘give up’ mommy!,” my daughter reminded me. “Yes, you’re right. I’ll try again later.” I threw the stroller onto the porch, and escorted the girls inside. Then, I started scavenging for chocolate.

You see, this is the stuff that drives parents crazy. The “peripheral crap” (as my friend and I used to call it). The tasks that need to be done, but often require Herculean strength or Job-like patience. These things aren’t in parenting books. Maybe they should be. Maybe I should write that book…