Why I’m Dreading my Sonogram

Almost immediately after dropping the “baby bomb” on social media, doubts ran rampant in my mind. “Was it too soon? What if I’m wrong? What if the pregnancy doesn’t stick? What if…”

Even though the bloodwork confirmed, even though my body is exhibiting ALL of the classic symptoms of early pregnancy, part of me worried that maybe it was all a farce. Some rare genetic condition that causes pregnancy hormones and no baby. Because it’s so hard to believe, even when your body has done it before, that a HUMAN BEING is growing inside you. It’s weird. Even when it’s the most natural thing in the world. And you know what they say, seeing is believing.

So I should be excited about my upcoming sonogram this week, right? I’ll be able to see some visual proof that a little person is indeed taking shape. According to my hcg levels, at the very least, a yolk sac should be visible. But what if it’s not? What if it’s forming in my tube again, what if, what if, what if…?

If ignorance is bliss, then I think I’d like to remain ignorant a little while longer, even though seeing that little “Glinda bubble” would make my heart soar. (Wonder why I call it that? Because I think the yolk sac looks like the bubble Glinda the Good Witch travels in. Like she’s just floating in and appearing in my uterus. Weird? Maybe. But I’m from Kansas. What did you expect?) I’m just ready to get it over with, then ready to get past the 12-week miscarriage danger mark, then settle in to the months of growth and physical discomfort, when my mind can finally stop sprouting worst case scenarios and at last feel comfortable.