If this is living the dream, I don’t want to wake up.

One year ago, I had a vision, although I couldn’t see it clearly at the time. I really couldn’t see anything clearly at that time…except the exit sign. I was beyond my capacity, and when something had to give, I chose my career. Faced with either watching my life slip away while I kept pace on the treadmill, or pulling the safety key and watching my career come to a grinding halt, I chose to take my life off autopilot. And you know what? It was really scary at first. While the 8-5 (+) keeps you going at a rapid speed, it also gives you structure. For the most part, you know what to expect. Your days are scheduled. Your choices may be various, but they’re limited. And for some, that’s comforting.

Do you know what happens to a creative with no structure? Well, it’s not pretty. Those first few months, as thrilled as I was to have made that decision, I had no idea what I was doing. I’d never really had to fly my own plane. But here I was, with two little ones under foot, more time than I knew what to do with (even though it was always busy), and a workaholic mindset that  just wouldn’t let me…be. I have deep regrets about that. I wish I’d enjoyed that time more, but then again, I have to give myself a little grace. I was a starving woman, craving time with my children, and I tried to shove an entire large time pizza into my mouth at once. There was no gradual slow down into domestic life. The career just…stopped.

And before I go any further, let me assure you, that the domestic life is far from the picnic I’d imagined (even though my SAHM friends tried to warn me). Yes, you have more flexibility. Yes, you don’t have (as many) deadlines. Yes, you don’t have a commute. But OH. MY. GOSH. It is hard work. So hard. Because it’s not just lollygagging with your offspring all day. It’s dishes, and laundry, and cooking, and cleaning, and shopping, and shuttling, and FOR THE LOVE… Oh, and then there’s the fact that you don’t have any money to do all of those fun things with your kids that you’d hoped to do. Oh, and then there’s the fact that your spouse, (who you love very, very much), probably isn’t going to keep up with the same amount of chores/etc. that they did before, because, you know, you’re HOME all day, so you can get it all done, right? Oh, and then there’s the fact that everyone thinks you have all of this free time to volunteer for things because you’re HOME all day, twiddling your thumbs. Oh, and then there’s the fact that children are scientifically proven to behave three times as naughty at home than they ever did at a sitter’s. It’s science, y’all. Ok, you get the point. Pity isn’t necessary, but respect is.

For awhile there, I seriously doubted my choice. Even though I knew it was a calling from God. Even though I knew I could always get money back later, but time isn’t renewable. I felt that I was failing as an at-home mom. And if momma ain’t happy, then I probably was. My pride kept me hanging onto the notion that I could make it all work. Hold out for awhile longer. Then, the bank account told me what I couldn’t tell myself. I had to go back to work. We’d underestimated our expenses, and had zipped through our savings faster than a football player at an all-you-can-eat buffet. It was gone. And the bills kept coming.

I put my resume together. I went on interviews. And while I’ve never not been offered a job I’ve interviewed for in the past, I was hit with rejection after politely-worded rejection. It hurt. These were jobs I was highly qualified for. I’d had great rapport with the interviewers. I’ll never know their reasons for choosing someone else before me, but now I know His reason. God had something much better planned for me.

So here I am, one year later, sitting right on the fence again between being a full-time working mom, and a full-time at-home mom. But this time, it’s not a decision whether to jump to one side or the other. It’s an effort to stay right where I am. I’m doing freelance writing for several ag clients and doing direct sales for a high-end jewelry company (in addition to various and assorted other tasks). It’s enough to pay the bills and a little extra. It’s not easy, but it’s not overwhelming. It’s…perfect.

I am professionally fulfilled, and personally satisfied with the time I’m allowed with my family. I enjoy working when I can, and enjoy carving out extra time with my girls as I’m able. I both WANT to work part-time, and NEED to work part-time. And while I’d like to take credit for orchestrating this ideal scenario, I can’t. God’s hand has been on this entire process, and while I’ve tried to wrestle back the controls a time or two, I’m so glad he didn’t let me. Because if this is living the dream, I don’t want to wake up.