What to do when a mother-in-law gets out of line
Let me start by saying this is NOT a post about my own mothers-in-law. They’re wonderful. I love them both. Now, let’s move on. 🙂
Somehow, I’ve given the impression that I have valuable advice to give when it comes to family dynamics. While I’m flattered, I’m also surprised. I am blessed with strong family ties, but it’s through no good graces of my own. Nevertheless, I recently received a message from a distraught reader who needs some guidance handling a rather “overpowering” mother-in-law.
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Dear Mom on the Range,
The last time my in-laws came from out of town to stay with us for the weekend, my mother-in-law suggested before leaving that I hire a maid to clean my house. I was shocked, and told her we couldn’t afford it and I didn’t think it was that bad. I had been sick that week but still worked really hard to clean the house and decorate for fall. My husband, who had helped me clean, offered to say something to her, but I told him not to. My mother-in-law also typically brings all the food for the weekend when she visits, brings her own towels, (my husband says she does it so we won’t have more laundry), and I’ve noticed she even brings her own paper towels, replacing ours with hers. I used to feel insulted by her bringing all the food, but my husband said she didn’t want us to spend any money and to let her because she wants to cook for him, so I let it go. She is a great cook. I think her comment about hiring a maid, though, was uncalled for. It happened two weeks ago, and I’m still irritated by it. Maybe I should’ve let my husband talk to her. Do you have any suggestions? I know you aren’t “Dear Abby” (yet, at least!) but thought you or your readers might have some good advice.
Sincerely,
Hard-working Kansas mom
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Wow. I have to be honest, I felt mad for her. I mean, who does that? I happen to have a mother-in-law who is a meticulous housekeeper and decorator, and I used to feel quite intimidated when she would stay with us. Housework and decorating are two areas where I struggle. But she has never made a judgmental comment, and will instead just roll up her sleeves and tackle projects herself. The woman is amazing. When we returned home from the hospital after having our second baby, I didn’t even recognize my house. It was spotless.
So, how can this reader establish a more loving relationship with her mother-in-law? In my opinion, it starts with the husband. He has to (gently) have a talk with his mother, and let her know how hurtful her words and actions come across, whether she intends them to be or not. Then, if his mother feels remorseful, and truly does only want to help, she can do several things:
1. Keep quiet. We all know the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”Â
2. Pitch in. If she desires for their house to be cleaner, but sees that they’re run ragged after the work week, she can offer to help.
3. Pay up. Who wouldn’t love for their house to be cleaned by a professional? (I know I would.) But most people can’t afford that, at least on a regular basis. Perhaps she can give this service as a Christmas gift.
The bottom line is, when families blend, conflict is bound to happen. Even in the most loving of relationships. And no matter what, she will always be his mom, and will always hold a special place in his heart. However, when you “leave and cleave,” your loyalty is transferred to your spouse (at least in healthy relationships). He needs to (lovingly) put his foot down, and if that doesn’t work, send her a list of professionally-cleaned hotels in your area. 🙂
I hope this helps, and if nothing else, here’s a big ((HUG)) from your online friends. Hang in there, sister!
How about you? Have you had to deal with an overpowering in-law? Or son or daughter-in-law? How did you handle it?Â
I obviously don’t know this mother-in-law, but the level to which she tries to take over–down to replacing the paper towels–makes me think mental illness could also be at play. No amount of cleaning would make someone like this happy.
I have friends who have a rule: unless someone is in immediate danger, it’s up to the child/stepchild of the offending parent to be the one to have the tough discussion. “Mom, I love you, but…” The conversation needs to happen now before it escalates.
Honestly, if I had a mom-in-law like this, the next time she came into town, I’d probably prearrange a nice hotel room or B&B and smile sweetly while announcing that we wanted her to be comfortable and away from the tornado that is my house.
Yes, I am with you on the hotel idea. In fact, my MIL usually stays in one (her choice, not ours). While she’s always welcome to stay the night, she likes her privacy and peace and quiet. And who can blame her?
Eeek! That’s tough. I also have great family ties so feel blessed I haven’t had this kind of thing. Even the best relationships can have tension and weird assumptions and communication blockages. I think you’re right that it would be good for the husband to talk with her. That also demonstrates (in case it’s needed) that his alliance is with his wife and that his mother’s behavior is making a wedge (between him and his mom). I think that pitching in or cleaning herself would be great, but I also know that I would read into it, especially in this case with the history. Like, I’d be assuming she thought my house was filthy or that my hard work cleaning was for nothing or that it was a passive aggressive move. If I could get over that, I could just enjoy the clean house, but as women, we sometimes get that crazy paranoid brain. I think generally, the mom needs to shut it. If she doesn’t like the house, stay in a hotel. If she genuinely likes cooking and her own paper towels, then be a full servant without comments or expectations of glory. Ugh. I’m just glad it’s not me.