Dear parent, I’m judging you.
Normally, I try and slip into another mother’s (or father’s) shoes before I give them the mental stink eye. Parenting is tough, and you just never know what someone else is going through. But there are a few occasions where I judge, and judge hard. Sometimes, parents make stupid decisions, or are just plain stupid in general. Like what I witnessed at the zoo a couple of days ago.
As I pushed my toddler in circles in her stroller, hoping to stave off the “I’m tired and overstimulated” tantrum that was building, I couldn’t help but count my blessings that I had come to the zoo with backup. My mother-in-law had taken my preschooler to the bathroom as we were making our way towards the exit. (And trying to get out through the gift shop without a “gimme gimme” meltdown.) As I headed back in the direction of the chimpanzee/orangutan exhibit to distract my stroller occupant, I saw them. Two young children, a girl of about 4 or 5 and a boy that couldn’t have been older than two. Her eyes darted frantically around the exit, searching, for what I knew was a parent or guardian. They were lost. My heart kicked into double time, as they were about the same age as my kids, and I couldn’t imagine the panic the parents must be feeling. As soon as I started heading towards them, they took off down a long, winding path with tall bamboo on each side.
I decided to follow. I would have to explain to my mother-in-law later why I disappeared, but I knew she would understand. Any mother would. Here I was, chasing two lost kids through the zoo, and I have to admit I felt a little odd. I didn’t know what to call out. I didn’t know their names. Finally, they were within reach. “Honey, did you lose your mommy?” I was hoping they would trust me enough to stand still. “Yes. Well, we lost our daddy,” the curly-haired girl replied. She look terrified, and her little brother was starting to sense something wasn’t right. I got down to her eye level and said. “It’s ok. I’m here to help. Let’s find some zoo workers who can help you find your daddy.” By then, a crowd had formed. One man helpfully asked, “Do you know your daddy’s phone number?” Another patron chimed in, “What’s his name? What does he look like?” The girl seemed to shrink before my eyes as these questions were thrown at her.
Right then, a zoo employee was walking by with a walkie talkie. Hallelujah! As I was explaining the situation, the girl shouted, “There’s my daddy!” Up walked a young man, pushing an empty stroller, with two other small children in tow. I expected to see a happy reunion. A father, elated and relieved to find his missing children, who by now, had been separated from him for at least five minutes. And if you’re a parent, you know that’s an eternity. I would be a wreck if my kids went missing for even half a minute, especially in such a public place.
What I witnessed, though, made my blood boil. I was angry. So angry. The father completely ignored the crowd that had gathered to help his children, and shouted, “What are you doing?! I told you to stay there and NOT MOVE!!! You’re in trouble! We’re going home!” I could see the girl’s spirit crushed. She didn’t even try to fight back. She’d probably tried too many times before. My heart broke for her, for the young boy, for the other kids involved. He was a mean man. An irresponsible man. And I couldn’t even speak. I just gave him the stink eye. Who does that? Who leaves their four and two year old in a certain place like a crowded zoo, and asks them to stay put? Unsupervised? It didn’t appear that they’d wandered off, but had been left alone while he tended to something else. (Which, with four kids, could have been anything.) But still! You just don’t leave your kids alone!
What if someone else had discovered them? Someone with bad intentions? What if they’d wandered into a dangerous place and had been injured? The possibilities whipped through my mind as I saw him walk furiously toward the exit, four dejected children in tow. So yes, sometimes I do judge other parents. When they do stupid things like this. I just pray that it doesn’t happen again.
I am judging too,!!!! How scary for those kiddos!
I can’t blame you for being upset. Here’s one thing that I wondered when I read this: What does a father do when he has a bunch of children by himself out in public and he needs to go to the bathroom? It’s not a huge deal for a woman to take a bunch of kids into a women’s restroom, since there are stalls and nothing out in view of the kids. But if you take a bunch of kids into the men’s room, they will get an eyeful from all the urinals (and men using them) in plain sight. Not saying this is what his situation was, or giving any excuse for his mean behavior, but it made me wonder about that. Maybe he had to go to the bathroom and had no choice but to leave his kids waiting outside? It’s a sad world we live in now that we can’t just ask a kind-looking person nearby to help out…you can’t trust anyone anymore…so few options for a situation like that. Not trying to defend him (and my blood is usually boiling when I see children getting yelled at, too), but just wondering if maybe he found himself in that place where you are just so frustrated that you make a bad decision or two.
Great insight Amy. I think you’re on to something. I asked hubby what he would do, and he said, “I’d rather risk my child seeing someone peeing than being taken by a stranger.” I do see more “family” bathrooms now, but there needs to be more!
This is very well written and I understand why, as an on looker, your first impulse would be to feel angry at the guy who ‘lost’ his kids. I’d ask you to consider this though: my friend has a 4.5 year old son and 6 month old twins. Twin babies, as you can imagine, can get time consuming and distracting so sometimes she’ll find herself in situations where she’ll have to attend to the twins while asking her 4.5 year old to stay put, right next to her, and not move.
The 4.5 year old, however, is still adjusting to sharing attention with his new siblings and one of his new favorite tricks is to run away / play hide and seek when his mom’s back is turned. So if she’s, say, changing a baby in a restaurant bathroom and asks her son to stay put right next to the changing station literally a foot away from her he’ll dart out the bathroom door while her attention is on the babies and she’ll have to scramble to get the babies together so she can chase him down. So when, three minutes later, she finds him crying to the restaurant manager that he lost his mom is she angry? You bet. She’s terrified that his refusal to stay put will result in serious harm to him one day and she’s humiliated by how the restaurant manager treats her like the most negligent mother ever. She yanks her son right out of the restaurant (or grocery store or park) and takes him straight home because if he can’t follow basic safety rules in public he doesn’t get to be in public.
I’m not saying this was the zoo dad’s situation. I didn’t witness it so I don’t know. Maybe he was being really negligent and is mean to his kids. But sometimes kids run off even when you don’t leave them alone and that can be really scary and frustrating for the parent.
Oh, I feel for your friend. How awful! My toddler is a runner, so she’s always strapped in. I just hope she outgrows it soon. And you’re right, it could have been a situation like this, but I just didn’t get the feeling it was. I imagine it was probably something like my friend Amy pointed out above. Perhaps a bathroom break gone awry. I do think men have a harder time of parenting in public because of bathroom situations. Should there be an awareness campaign?
this made me well up- the “dad’s” reaction upon reuniting. i hate people, i really do. 🙁
It was painful to watch, and painful to know there was nothing I could do.