Observations While Peeing on a Stick

First of all, there’s something I’d like to say to pregnancy test manufacturers: WHY ARE YOUR PACKAGES SO DANG HARD TO OPEN?! I mean, really, can’t you give us a little tab to pull or perforation to tear? Why does that plastic have to be sealed so tightly without even the slightest bubble under which to slip our nail and tear the stupid thing open? Because when you take a pregnancy test, you’re a little on edge, no matter what you want the outcome to be. Is this some male packaging engineer’s idea of a sick joke? “Let’s make ’em scramble a bit before they find out if their life’s about to change…forever! Muahahaha…”

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that rant out of the way, is there any more degrading way to find out if a new life is growing inside you than by plopping down on the toilet and urinating on a small piece of plastic? I mean, c’mon. Hasn’t technology evolved enough for some kind of saliva test or eye scan or something?

And of course privacy is something unheard of around here. With a one-year-old and three-year-old roaming around, I can’t very well leave them to destroy the house just to find out whether or not our lives are about to get a little more crazier. “Mommy, what are you doing? Why are you going potty on that? Can I go potty on that? I want one! Let me see! Is it taking your fever (temperature)?” Yes! It’s taking mommy’s temperature. “Are you sick? Do you need to go to the doctor?” We’ll see honey. Give me two minutes and you’ll know.

Two minutes (at least it’s improved from three). The longest two minutes of your life will be when you’re staring at a plastic pee stick, waiting for something to happen. And of course I bought the analog kind (the plus/minus kind) because they’re cheaper. Because if the cost of buying a pregnancy test is a problem, having another baby would be awesome.

I stared (because it always helps to stare, and will it to produce the outcome you’d like). My eyes started to cross. The lines started forming. No, I had the wait the full two minutes to make a determination. Wait for it…wait for it…done. Darn. It’s negative. Wait? Why am I disappointed? I’d really like to space my kids out a bit more, less than two years apart is rough. Because during that two minutes, I’d already let my mind start to wander. The smell of a newborn’s head, the quiet comfort of a nursing infant, the joy of observing first milestones, and truth be told, I just really like my OB, and wouldn’t mind hanging out with her again.

But then I look up into the mirror, and see the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep (still), the few extra pounds from the last pregnancy I’d like to lose, and two very small children looking up at me, and I’m happy. Now is not our time. In the future? Maybe. But for now I’ll just enjoy the freedom of not being with child. A glass of wine does sound pretty darn good.

“Mommy, do you need to go to the doctor? Are you sick?” No honey, mommy’s just fine.