Okay, I know there are other parents out there who’ve been caught with their pants down…in the bathroom. Seriously, especially for us moms, I never knew what a luxury it was just to pee (and perform other bodily functions) alone. So today, I developed a plan. It’s called the “Lack of Privacy Payback Plan” to be exact. So here goes:
The number of minutes my preschooler stands in the doorway and talks to me while I’m using the restroom are equivalent to the number of minutes I’ll stand in her doorway and talk to her…while she’s trying to make out with her boyfriend someday.
But I’m not going to stop there. This next step is the pièce de résistance. I’ll not only stand in her doorway and talk to her, I’ll repeat word for word the questions, statements and observations she made while I was…occupied. It will go a little something like this. Roles will be reversed, and it will be…so…awesome:
(Teen daughter is in her room with her boyfriend and the door closed, thinking she’s going to get away with something.)
Me: *throw open door without knocking* Hi! Whatcha doin?
Teen Daughter: Ahhh! What are you doing? Why don’t you knock first?
Me: *close door, knock*
Teen Daughter: Go away!
Me: When are you going to be done? What are you doing in there?
Teen Daughter: I’ll be out in five minutes, can’t I just have my privacy?
Me: *throw open door* Are you pooping in here? It smells like poop. Can I see your bottom?
Teen Daughter: What is WRONG with you? Why would you want to do that?
Me: I have to poop too you know.
Teen Daughter: So go to the bathroom.
Me: I don’t to go poop in dad’s bathroom. I want to poop in here.
Teen Daughter: Well, that’s not really an option, is it?
Me: Can I poop in the bathtub? Will it sink? Will it float? What noise does a giraffe make?
Teen Daughter: Seriously, get out and leave me in peace.
Me: *close door, yell through door* CAN I HAVE A SNACK?
Teen Daughter: I don’t care. Go get one yourself.
Me: But I want YOU to get me a snack!!!
Teen Daughter: Just go open the fridge and get something!
Me: But I’m scared to go in the kitchen alone. *throws open door*
Teen Daughter: Ahhh! Stop doing that!
Me: I’m scared! Can I sit in your lap?
Teen Daughter: NO! Now? Seriously?
Me: So, are you pooping? It’s okay. Everybody poops. See you later! *slam door*
Teen Daughter: *turns to boyfriend* Sorry, my mom’s such a freak.
Boyfriend: Yeah…about that. I’ve got to get going. I’ll call you…sometime. *runs out door*