I just can’t make this stuff up

I just got home from grocery shopping (and Sam’s and Target and Walgreens). Oh, I can hear you now. “Well, woop-di-freakin-do! Big deal!” Well, let me assure you it is a big deal. Why? For starters, it’s 11:30 at night (even though you’ll probably be reading this during your first or second cup of coffee in the morning). But aside from my late-night arrival at home, let me back up a bit and let you know what transpired during that shopping trip (and afterwards). I just can’t make this stuff up.

My evening started out fabulously. My husband put the oldest to bed so I could jet off to town (40 some minutes away) to do some much-needed errand running and grocery shopping. Yes, I could have done this during the day, but with two little ones in tow, it would have been a major headache. I zoomed into Sam’s and did my business there. Bam! On to Target. Grabbed my goods and jetted out the door. Bam! Off to Walgreens. Again, there were no hiccups here, except for the nasty lightening in the Western sky. (By now it was nearly 9 p.m.) I called my husband to check the weather prognosis. “It’s all moving north. You’re not going to get anything.” Okay…. You see, I trust my husband with my life. But I don’t always trust his weather forecasts. He downplays everything (whereas I dream about dying in a tornado every night).

I headed into Dillons, shopping list in one hand, coupons in the other, determined to get in, get out and get home. But fate had other plans. As I sped around the store gathering items, I noticed that the lights kept dimming, and giant pallets were being pulled onto the floor for unloading. Uh-oh. Were they getting ready to close? I found a nearby staff person, who assured me they closed at midnight. “We just dim the lights to save energy.” Whew! As I made my way to the far corner of the store to get milk, it hit, hard. Rain pounded the metal roof, and sounded as if it would bust through onto our heads at any moment. It could have passed for small hail, but I wasn’t sure. “We have full coverage,” I assured myself, thinking of my car sitting exposed in the dim parking lot.

Finally, every item on my list was checked off. I maneuvered my overflowing cart to the front of the store, glad to be done with this leg of my trip. Only, none of the checkout lanes were open. “Son of a…,” I groaned as I realized that the only way I was getting out of the store with all of these groceries was through the self checkout station. I almost walked away. But, I thought about my girls waking up to an empty fridge, and I pressed on! (I’m really sounding like a hero, aren’t I?)

Beep…beep…beep…beep…I rang each item as fast as I could, realizing that if I ever tried to work a cashier job, I would probably be fired. “Please place your items into the bag,” the singsong mechanical voice prompted. “It is in the bag!,” I shot back. Beep…beep…beep…”Please return your item to the bagging area.” What item? Why? Ahh! Beep…beep…beep…down to one thing left in my cart. A loaf of Sara Lee whole grain white bread. I grabbed the fluffy log of carbs…and heard a male voice scream. Everything was black. Pitch black. The power was out.

Oddly, I remained completely calm. I think it was just the exhaustion setting in. Surely…SURELY…there was some kind of backup system in place that would save my order? Right? “Oh yes, there is,” the young raven-haired clerk assured me. You’ll just have to wait for it to boot back up, and your order will start back up where you left off. Perfect. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I stared at a glossy gossip magazine. “Would you look at that, Kate’s having twins! How wonderful.” At least we can all rest assured that she has TWO boobs, enough to feed each of those hungry royal babies. (It turns out these rumors aren’t true, but I didn’t know this at the time. I was just enjoying a bit of good news.)

I called my husband to check on the weather again, and made sure to give him a good ribbing about the faulty forecast. To his credit, the storm had popped up suddenly, and he may have been sleeping when it did. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing severe on the radar.” And despite my better judgment, I believed him.

Ten minutes or so later, I could see the computer system reloading. It seemed that at any minute it would start up again, I could ring up my loaf of bread, drive forty minutes, and finally be home. Almost there….almost there…BAM! Lights out again. “Oh you’ve GOT to be kidding me!” They quickly flickered back on.

We all looked around at each other in disbelief. A young male cashier, with splotchy black facial hair, gingerly approached my bags of groceries, and started pulling the items back out and placing them in my cart. “I’m sorry, what are you doing?,” I asked him. “Well, you’ll have to go to Lane One.” Now, I was started to get frustrated. “You mean, I have to re-ring all of these items?” Yep. *bang head on wall* I refrained from getting upset, much to my surprise. These were all young kids working, and it wasn’t their fault. One of them even helped me to my car, despite the pouring rain.

I really wanted something chocolaty from Sonic, but it was closed, so leftover parade candy was my only option. I kept that in the car after this cleaning episode. I drove cautiously down the highway, just me, the pouring rain, and the smell of my left-in-the-washer-too-long shirt. Why is it that they sometimes only smell when they get wet again? Our local country/weather station blared cautions about a Severe Thunderstorm Warning. I thought my husband said “nothing severe.” I guess to him, only tornadoes are severe. This is Kansas, after all. The drive wasn’t too bad once I left city limits, so I reached into the candy bag and pulled out a Now and Later. “Just a little treat after everything I went through.” Only it wasn’t so much of a treat when I started choking on it. And I don’t mean choking just a little. Choking a lot. I started to pull over when it dislodged. A perfect reason to celebrate with another Now and Later.

I was closing in on home. Just a few miles left until I saw that sweet porch light. That’s when the wind hit. So hard, in fact, that my car nearly left the road, and giant dust clouds blocked my vision (we didn’t get any rain out in my neck of the woods. Typical.) Mercifully, I pulled into my drive, and turned into my parking spot. Lightening streaked across the sky. I grabbed as many bags as I could and unlocked the door. Determined to make it in two trips (the dry goods could stay in the car), I loaded up another armful and reached up to close the hatchback door. Only, the kittens were in the car. The last time one of them got locked inside overnight, it pooped in one of the car seats. On the buckle. I scooped up kitty 1 and flung her behind my back. Kitty 2 was next. Only, kitty 1 had jumped back in. So on and on we went. Me, one arm about to break from the weight of groceries, while other furiously threw kitties. It was ridiculous. Now was my chance. With both of them out, I slammed the door shut, and nearly smashed kitty 1’s head. Unbelievable.

But I was done. Finally done with this crazy, messed up evening. And after polishing off a bowl of cookie dough ice cream, and writing this post, I’m feeling much better. After all, stuff you just can’t make up is great blog fodder. 🙂