Okay, I know there are other parents out there who’ve been caught with their pants down…in the bathroom. Seriously, especially for us moms, I never knew what a luxury it was just to pee (and perform other bodily functions) alone. So today, I developed a plan. It’s called the “Lack of Privacy Payback Plan” to be exact. So here goes:

The number of minutes my preschooler stands in the doorway and talks to me while I’m using the restroom are equivalent to the number of minutes I’ll stand in her doorway and talk to her…while she’s trying to make out with her boyfriend someday.

But I’m not going to stop there. This next step is the pièce de résistance. I’ll not only stand in her doorway and talk to her, I’ll repeat word for word the questions, statements …

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I might just have a couple champion bowlers on my hands.

Until recently, I avoided taking my girls out in public as much as possible. Too stressful. Too scary. Too many factors outside my control. What if they ran off in a parking lot and got run over? Or kidnapped? What if they wander off in a crowded store? What if we get in a car accident? Or, most likely, what if they have a monster meltdown on the floor of a…wait for it…nasty public bathroom? Ew. I forgot about those. Babies R’ Us, a place that’s supposed to cater to the family types quite possibly has the worst restrooms, and don’t get me started on the “nursing” rooms, that seem perpetually covered in trash and poopy diapers.

Ok, so enough about the dangers of leaving …

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You have two choices when you see this sign on the side of the road. You can avert, or pervert, your eyes.

I have four nephews, the oldest of whom is only five years younger than me. They’re more like little brothers than nephews, especially since I spent so many hours babysitting them when they were younger. They’re all good kids, and most of all, they’re funny. Even when they’re not trying to be.

Around 10 years ago, we were headed on a family trip to a lake in southwest Missouri. Driving down scenic highways in eastern Kansas, we pointed out historical markers, interesting buildings and run-down ghost towns. The trip was full of laughs, as usual, but none could compare to what would happen on our way back. As we neared the outskirts of the lake, a …

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“I apologize, but this just has to be said. “you suck!” can you tell I’m super jealous?!”

This was the comment from a dear friend on a Facebook status I posted this morning. Granted, my original status was a little Pollyannish, “Brr! Cuddling under a blanket and movies are on our agenda. Really loving my job today! ;-)”

You see, I feel like I’ve been complaining quite a bit lately about this SAHM gig. A preschooler who escapes from her carseat and sinks her teeth into your forearm while you’re driving down the road will do that to you. (This was after her cowgirl boots were chucked at my head.) It was a bad day. But they’re not all bad days. Like today, for example. I felt like I needed to share some of the good moments …

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Image from reallifetravels.com

Bring on the potions
Bring on the pills
Bring on the excitement
Bring on the thrills

I’m plucking my eyebrows
I’m waxing my legs
I’m dancing on tables
I’m standing on kegs

Ditch the minivan
Bring me a Caddy
Don’t call me mommy
Don’t call him daddy

No more Cheerios
No more crumbs
No more boogers
Sticking on thumbs

We’re going out tonight
We’re getting all clean
We’re living it up
Rage Against the Momchine!


Before you start to worry about me, this is just a little creative expression. I’m a little disgruntled.
I only own mom jeans. We’re buying a minivan. I feel better now.

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Road trips. Is there anything that brings a family closer together? Two kids under four years old, two adults under 34 years old, and a car so loaded down we were often confused for the Clampetts. “Hey, ya’ll headin’ to Beverly…Hills that is?” Nope, we were heading to Texas Hill Country, off to see family deep in the heart of barbecue, boots and Friday night football. We left at 6 p.m., and arrived at 2 a.m., hopeful that our late-night travels would be peace and quiet from the back seat. Wrong. They slept a total of two hours. Whee! By the time we exited I-35 to make the short trek to my mother-in-law’s house, we were all delirious. My husband was slapping his face to stay awake (after three energy drinks), and the girls and …

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